It was the morning of November 7th, 2020. I was sleeping in ’til noon and my girlfriend aggressively nudged me awake, flashed a sly grin and said “Drew… guess what?” She showed me her phone. The election had finally been called. And Donald Trump lost.
To celebrate, I blasted “Like Home” by Eminem. A bombastically poppy middle finger against Trumpism that he recorded with Alicia Keys.
It’s a historic song, because it’s the 2nd angriest white dude on Earth dissing the 1st angriest white dude on Earth.
“Like Home” is a mostly forgotten track, mainly because it’s buried in Revival, the most hated album of the hip-hop honky’s prolific career. …
In an unprecedented PR move, the terrorists behind 9/11 have risen from the grave to give a brief press conference apologizing for making Rudy Giuliani a household name and a universally recognized political figure.
Giuliani, President Trump’s personal lawyer and New York’s mayor in 2001, became a national hero after the attacks. The hijackers have expressed remorse and humiliation for making this happen.
“If we truly knew the extent of how much we were helping Giuliani’s public image, we would have never done this. …
President-elect Joe Biden has begun putting together his cabinet for when he takes office in January.
At a recent press conference, Biden announced that his old buddy “Soda Pop Tony” from back in the day will take the reins as his Secretary Of Defense.
“Soda Pop Tony was the coolest cat in town, me and him used to tear it up” said the president-elect. “We would ride our bicycles to the milkshake shop every Thursday with the fellas, he was a real rabblerouser. The broads loved him, he could skip a rock like nobody’s business.”
In addition to Soda Pop Tony, he announced that his childhood friend “Crazy Eyed Jimmy” would be the head of his COVID task force. …
A Netflix documentary about the brand new allegations against Jeffrey Epstein has America trying to reckon him with the man they used to love.
Epstein fans have been locked in a sensitive debate about if it’s still morally forgivable to enjoy Epstein’s legendary music, and if it’s even possible to scrub his unprecedented discography from our cultural zeitgeist. Epstein’s estate has recently sued Netflix for 50zillion dollars and no one has to heart to tell them that that’s not a real number.
Despite tons of awards buzz, Bradley Cooper’s upcoming biopic of Epstein has been shelved indefinitely. The highly anticipated jukebox musical about his life and career simply titled “Jeff” is still set to open on Broadway in July 2021. …
THE JIG IS UP.
This election was stolen from our glorious king, President Donald J. Trump.
After Joe Biden’s premature claims of victory, more and more evidence has been piling up that the crooked Democrats have rigged the election and went against the will of the American people, delivering Biden a fake victory through thousands of illegal votes.
Luckily, President Donald J. Trump will take this all the way to the Supreme Court to stop all the fake news that he lost the election, and rightfully reclaim his magnificent throne.
The evidence is damning.
Exhibit A of rampant voter fraud: Multiple children standing on top of each other in trench coats were caught voting for Joey Biden. …
Nancy Pelosi, Queen Of Throwing Shade, recently dragged Trump with an EPIC Twitter clapback after he slowly and brutally murdered all of her family members with a steak knife and forced her to watch.
Trump gleefully and meticulously gathered Pelosi’s husband, all of her children, siblings and even cousins in front of her and individually stabbed each one of them to death while they screamed in agony and begged Nancy to call the cops or at least try to stop Trump by distracting him with a shiny object or something.
The President openly bragged about committing these multiple first degree murders on Twitter, controversial comments which were later defended by Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham, with Graham saying “once again, liberals keep moving the goal post.. …
Conservative icon and alt-right provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos was recently spotted giving an edgy speech about the dangers of PC culture on a Brooklyn street corner, while also asking if anyone had any spare change so he could eat breakfast.
The flamboyantly combative political personality reached his peak of mainstream stardom in 2017 before being “cancelled” and de-platformed by the overly sensitive liberal elites. But his upcoming comeback tour “Please Just Give Me One Dollar, I Am So Cold” is hitting college campus parking lots soon.
The tour is just the beginning, his dangerous and raw speech was also part of a promotional run for his new, self-published book “Lesbians Smell Bad & Vietnamese Women Don’t Exist: Brave Essays That Will Trigger The Libtards” which was written on the back of a CVS receipt he found while digging through the trash. …
Local New York resident Bobby J. Stonewater thought it’d be “pretty funny” to cast a vote for Kanye West in the 2020 election. He figured it would make him an edgy, groundbreaking comedic genius to vote for the mentally ill hip-hop legend for president.
He is now serving life is prison.
Stonewater posted a pic of him writing in “Kanye West” on his ballot on Instagram last week and claimed he did it “to show just how ridiculous modern politics have become!” …
White House doctors made the encouraging announcement “the president is alert, breathing normally and in high spirits” this morning at a press conference after Donald Trump’s funeral.
Addressing unconfirmed rumors that the White House has exaggerated the speed of Trump’s recovery after his COVID diagnosis, they specified that the president is just “taking a lil nappy nap” in the coffin.
“The president likes to sleep in coffins because he is too strong and muscular to sleep in a normal bed, the mattress and bed frame both get crushed under the power of his sheer masculinity” explained a doctor, while a crying Ivanka and an excited Melania stood behind him. …
He’s fucked now.
In a recorded conversation with Meek Mill on January 25th, President Donald J. Trump admitted that he received intel that hip-hop artist Drake has ghostwriters, and that he was purposely withholding this information from the American people.
This is basically Watergate but worse. Reporters still can’t decide if we should call it Drakegate or Waterdrake. When confronted about these damning tapes, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnay simply threw her own feces at a journalist for The New York Times and ran out of the room. Despite this she’s still a 9.
Trump notably fired hip-hop aficionado Anthony Fauci in February when Fauci claimed that Drake DID have ghostwriters. Fauci recently did an interview saying “this is not okay” and our newfound knowledge that our favorite Canadian biracial angel has ghostwriters means we won’t be “back to normal life” until “at least late 2021.” …