10 Songs That Shouldn’t Have Been Played At My 8th Grade Dance But Were
My middle school dance was a horrific hellhole of infinite awkwardness. The culprit behind this traumatic evening? The DJ for the dance, who I can only assume is a diagnosed sociopath who’s probably in prison now for killing 22 people with a chainsaw at a TGI Fridays.
This DJ played songs that should never be played at an 8th grade dance. Here are the 10 worst examples.
These songs should NOT have been played at my 8th grade dance….. but they were.
Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz- “Get Low”
You don’t know true pain until you’ve seen an army of primarily white 13 year olds chant “‘til the sweat drip down my balls” in perfect unison. I’ve spent over a decade trying to erase this memory with liquor and therapy but it continues to haunt me.
Nelly- “Hot In Herre”
This girl I had a crush on from my geomotrey class tried to flirtaciously dance with me when this came on. I panicked and punched her in the throat.
Outkast- “Ms. Jackson”
This one may seem innocuous, but “Ms. Jackson” is about a divorce. And my best friend Timmy Jackson found out his parents were getting a divorce just hours before the dance. This song was just too on-the-nose.
50 Cent- “Candy Shop”
Need I say more? This song was way too filthy for a school event.
50 Cent- “Just A Lil Bit”
This dumbass DJ played two 50 Cent songs in a row, that’s just poor form. Any halfway decent DJ knows you can’t play the same artist back-to-back. You can play the same artist twice, just don’t put the songs right next to each other. Fucking amateur.
Lil Wayne- “Mrs. Officer”
This song where Lil Wayne describes having s*x with a hot female cop is not only too graphic for a middle school dance, but it also ignores all the systemic, fundamental issues rooted in policing that need to be directly addressed in a way that abolishes the entire system and rebuilds it from the ground up. All the anti-cop sentiment of the current cultural climate is not random or unjust, it’s a natural reaction to decades of institutionally protected bigotry that manifests itself through racially charged violence and an enivronment where police officers face no concequences for their needlessly cruel and violent actions. This needs to stop.
R. Kelly- “Ignition Remix”
Don’t judge us. We were only in 8th grade. If we were emotionally mature enough to fully comprehend the scope of R. Kelly’s monstrous actions, we wouldn’t have danced and sang along. We would have booed the DJ, or at least stopped dancing to make a statement. But it was a different time. We were all complicit.
Fountains Of Wayne- “Stacy’s Mom”
This song ruined my friend Stacy’s life. Ever since it was released, people would crack dumb jokes to her like “oh your name’s Stacy? Does your mom have it goin on???” So naturally, when this song came on, everyone looked at Stacy and sang it to her face. We thought it was funny. It wasn’t. Stacy, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry again.
Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz- “Get Low” (AGAIN)
They played this song twice. TWICE. Was it a lazy mistake? Was it intentional? Was it because of popular demand? Was the DJ just a sadist and wanted to see what would happen? I wish I knew.
The entire audiobook of “Lolita”
Not only is this 1955 novel by Vladmir Nabokov extremely disturbing, it also isn’t catchy at all. No beat drops, no hook, no Lil Wayne feature. Just an audiobook of a complicated classic that played for 11 hours.
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Drew Landry is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Check out his critically acclaimed mini stand-up special ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD.
“A life-affirming 20-odd minutes that showcases Landry’s talent as a comedian… You’d be hard-pressed not to call up your best friend as soon as the credits roll.”
