A Timeline Of Eminem Reacting To Our Reactions To His Reactions To Our Reactions To His Reactions To Our Reactions To His Reactions To Our Reactions To His Music
Eminem, tied with Trump and The Incredible Hulk as the angriest man in North America, recently dropped his new album Music To Be Murdered By out of the blue with a simple Twitter link. It’s an amazing album, packed with the exhausting, face-reddening, linguistic pyrotechnics that he’s become known for. But it also continues a disturbing saga of unparalleled pettiness that began in 2017.
For those of you who have already used that Men In Black memory-erasing gadget thingy to forget about it, Eminem dropped Revival in 2017, an album that faced an astronomical tsunami of backlash and animosity, with both critics and even his diehard fanbase absolutely despising it. #RevivalGate gave a rise out of Marshall that can only be compared to setting John Wick’s car on fire. He responded with Kamikaze, a “fuck all y’all” diatribe where he angrily reflected on the harsh Revival reviews and hurled vicious insults at damn near everyone who ever looked at him funny. It’s the pettiest 45 minutes ever put on wax and it’s a glory to behold.
This leads us to Music To Be Murdered By… where he’s still settling scores. He’s looking at where the rubble fell after Kamikaze and making sure he gets the last word. If you were Eminem’s girl and you got in a text argument with him, no matter what you say he’s always gonna text one more thing just so he can be the last person who texted something.
On the opening track “Premonition (Intro)” he brings up Revival for the quadrillionth time, confronts the complaints that Kamikaze was too “bitter” and even punches back at a specific 2.5/5 Rolling Stone review from 2 years ago. On “No Regrets”, he shows off his lyrical bodybags and expresses remorse for including Tyler, The Creator and Earl Sweatshirt on his long list of Kamikaze targets. He throws a few more punches at MGK, which is understandable because MGK is MGK. He also flips another middle finger at Joe Budden on “Lock It Up” and notably excludes him from the Slaughterhouse reunion “I Will”, like your ex hanging with your friends again and making sure you see it on her Snapchat story.
Eminem is so determined to find everything we’ve said about his albums that I bet the whole $16 in my bank account that he’s reading this very article this right now as he takes his morning coffee dump. Which he shouldn’t be doing. He should be at Dairy Queen with Joe Budden burying the hatchet over some Blizzard’s, or at least contacting the senate to try to involve his 2017 BET cypher in the impeachment trial. Come on, Em, put the fuckin phone down.
It’s a terrifying feedback loop, and it will only get worse. Don’t believe me? Prepare yourselves.
Here’s the future of Eminem reacting to our reactions to his reactions to our reactions to his reactions to our reactions to our reactions to his reactions to our reactions to his reactions to our reactions to his reactions to our reactions to his reactions to our reactions to his music..
In 2022, Eminem will drop Music To Be Murdered By Again where he counterpunches everyone who didn’t like Music To Be Murdered By. This will also cause a whirlwind of new beefs with everyone to Drake, Taylor Swift, the ghost of XXXTentacion and somehow Steve Buscemi.
Then, in 2025 Eminem will make his triumphant(?) return on Revival 2: Go Fuck Yourselves. A shocking sequel to his most hated album where he doubles down on everything everyone hated about Revival. Literally every track features Ed Sheeran. Hell, 75% of the tracks actually don’t even have Eminem on them and they’re literally just Ed Sheeran songs.
Naturally, Hip-Hop Twitter is gonna despise Revival 2, so Eminem will come back in 2026 with his angriest album yet, The EMpire Strikes Back. Get it?! He spends the whole album dissing specific twitter users who bashed Revival 2.
The lead single is a BRUTAL diss track entitled “Fuck Jacob T. Anderson”, which is about a 13 year old boy in Idaho named Jacob T. Anderson who once tweeted “Revival 2 was kind of mediocre”, having no idea that Eminem would even see the tweet. The cover art is just Eminem strangling a lifelike doll that resembles Jacob.
The EMpire Strikes Back is criticized as too extreme, but this is only the beginning. Using hundreds of millions dollars worth of groundbreaking technology, Eminem will tap all our phones, hack into our texts and bug our houses. Now if you say anything negative about Eminem from the comfort of your own home, he’s gonna diss your ass. His next album, simply titled AGHH!!!!!!!!!!, will contain diss tracks about every single random citizen who expressed any mild dislike for The EMpire Strikes Back. It has 447 tracks.
The media and general public will condemn Eminem’s behavior as obsessive and dangerous. But Eminem realizes that responding to new these criticisms through another album wasn’t enough. This time, he’s gonna take to the streets.. Plus, he’s homeless now since he spent his whole fortune bugging our houses.
Instead of dropping an album, Eminem will travel around the world and walk through public places with a microphone, performing live freestyle disses at every stranger who walks past him. At first, it’s entertaining. But after 2 and a half years of this, Em gets more desperate for new locations, and starts performing these raps in weird places like petting zoos and orphanages.
Em will realize that he may have gone too far, and he’ll recede from the limelight for a few years. But when he decides to make one more album in 2030, he realizes that he’s run out of enemies. He’s dissed everyone. So what’s next? Don’t worry, he has one more trick up his sleeve.
He’ll remember this article, and he will record a whole album dissing me for writing it. Drew Landry Is Short, Insecure And Wears The Same Pair Of Jeans Every Day will end up being Eminem’s best selling album, going triple diamond. It receives the best reviews of Eminem’s career, it’s universally hailed as the album of the century. He won, and he retires on top.
So yes, it’s a happy ending, but at what cost?! My life has been ruined. I decide to change my name and flee the country with my new best friend Jacob T. Anderson.
The saga has concluded, but no one was left unwounded. Eminem’s pettiness knows no bounds. He responds to everybody. No matter who you are, no matter what you say, if you insult Eminem, he’s going to reply.
…Unless you’re Nick Cannon
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Drew Landry is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Check out his critically acclaimed mini stand-up special ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD.
“A life-affirming 20-odd minutes that showcases Landry’s talent as a comedian… You’d be hard-pressed not to call up your best friend as soon as the credits roll.”
