BREAKING NEWS: This Brave, Edgy Guy Thinks The Beatles Are Overrated
Local Portland resident Ian Finkleton shocked the entire world last night when he bravely declared The Beatles were “overrated” and “awful” at a party.
Ian drew gasps of disbelief when he began his historic speech about how The Beatles are “one of the worst bands of all time.” Reporters rushed to the scene and described the atmosphere as “exciting” and “the most revolutionary night in the history of music opinions.”
Ian, who was fashionably late to the party due to his improv class, was sipping a craft beer that he brewed himself when ‘Hey Jude’ came on and he heroically proclaimed “ugh, I fucking hate The Beatles.” Everyone at the party stopped what they were doing and gave him a round of applause for his fearlessness.
Locals contacted the Guinness Book Of World Records, crowning Ian as “the first edgy, 27 year old white guy to ever express this opinion.” Due to his courage and originality, no less than 47 women immediately lined up to beg him for 3 minutes of missionary sex.
In the most #Woke moment of the night, he even mentioned John Lennon’s history of domestic abuse in a Hannibal Buress-ian rant that singlehandedly destroyed Lennon’s legacy forever.
In the past 24 hours, Paul McCartney has released a statement apologizing for artistic shortcomings and vowed to delete every Beatles album from iTunes and Spotify. And Ian’s ska band “Kimberly’s Mushroom Arcade” has been offered a $35million record deal.
That one fateful night will go down in history as the moment that billions of lifelong Beatles fans across the globe realized that The Beatles suck, and they pale in comparison to Arctic Monkeys and Neutral Milk Hotel.
Thank you, Ian.
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Drew Landry is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Check out his critically acclaimed mini stand-up special ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD.
“A life-affirming 20-odd minutes that showcases Landry’s talent as a comedian… You’d be hard-pressed not to call up your best friend as soon as the credits roll.”
