I Love Eminem But His Music Ruins Parties

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Uh oh.

It was a fun party until some anonymous douchebiscuit highjacked the music and put on The Marshall Mathers LP. No one at this party wants to listen to a dude stab his own wife, you fuckin sociopath.

I got my red cup and I’m awkwardly stumbling through an attempted conversation with a cute girl, then I suddenly get interrupted by the sound of an angry drug addict screaming about “choking whores.” Mr. Mathers himself just effectively cockblocked the entire room. Sad.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m the biggest Stan in the Western Hemisphere. But there is a time and place for Em’s music. I’m trying to be social, but listening to a skinny white dude with bleached hair scream insults at his mom is ruining the mood and drying every snatch within a square mile.

I’m the worlds biggest Em fan. In 50 years, I’m gonna ask my grandkids if they wanna hear about my time in the war and they’ll reply “for the last time, defending Eminem’s Revival album on twitter doesn’t make you a war vet.” Hell, this is the 3rd article I’ve written about Eminem, which is 5 too many.

But despite that, I think playing Eminem songs at a party should be a felony.

There’s only a handful of Em songs that work at parties. Crack A Bottle, Shake That, and maaaaybe Ass Like That if everyone in the room is learning disabled. But that’s IT. The only exception is if you’re taking a shot while listening to Lose Yourself right at the moment where he says “you only get one shot.” That’d be pretty funny.

I learned the hard way. I was at a party where someone stole the aux cord and started only playing Eminem. It was a disaster. It was such a national tragedy that Bruce Springsteen did a charity concert for the victims and their families.

The aux cord at a party is a sacred thing, and it should be respected as such. Stealing the aux cord is borderline blasphemous. But that fateful evening, some monster decided to take the aux cord, and play Kill You by Eminem. For those of you who haven’t heard this catchy jingle, the title is self-explanatory

I don’t know what poor soul played the song, but there’s a special place in hell for him.

He followed with more Em songs, each one more violent than the last.

Imagine you’re at some kind of social gathering. A party, a club, an illumnati meeting, etc. And everyone is having a good time.

Then imagine, if you will, abruptly hearing the sounds of Eminem bragging about raping people. The fun times come to a screeching halt and the entire social function morphs into a gigantic Buzzfeed thinkpiece.

I don’t need to imagine it, because it happened to me. And I somehow lived to tell the tale.

Envision that you’re trying to flirt with someone while Eminem is screaming “put anthrax on your tampax” in the background. Pretend you’re trying to have a conversation with a cute girl you just met and you hear Slim yell “I EVEN MAKE THE BITCHES I RAPE CUM” with the loud urgency of a man telling you you’re about to be hit by a bus.

You can’t dance to the sound of a man calling his own mother a cunt. You can’t joyfully sing along to a dude rapping “I’mma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire” in a crowded room full of decent Americans. Well technically you can, but it’ll ruin your social life.

To the unknown assailant that hijacked the music at this party and used his power to play violent Eminem songs, we will find you, and you will be put to justice.

So take this as a cautionary tale. Eminem is the GOAT, but his music will ruin your party. May that night live in infamy.

Written by

professional narcissist

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