Eminem’s New Beard Terrifies Me

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Every day we stray further from God.

Shady seems to be back, rumor has it that he’s gearing up to a release a new album. I’m psyched, I’m honestly the worlds biggest Stan. I know every word to every song, I own every album, and I’ve even grown to forgive him for “Ass Like That.” I think he’s top 5 dead or alive.

He’s the best white rapper but that’s not an accomplishment, it’s like being the smartest retarded person. There’s Macklemore, but I feel like Macklemore is just what would have happened if Eminem knew his father.

His recent return to the limelight was a 4 minute verse at the BET Awards bashing President Donald Trump (those 3 words will never not make me laugh.) I loved it. Obviously, he’s isn’t the first rapper to bash 45, but what makes it notable is that half of Em’s fans are angry white rednecks in middle America who play too much Xbox and think wrestling is real.

When Em shits on Trump, he’s not preaching to the choir, he has some Trump supporting fans that are listening and shaking with rage. Their palms get sweaty, their knees get weak, their arms get heavy, there’s vomit on their “Make America Great Again” hat already, sister/ wife’s spaghetti…

So I’m glad that one of my favorite artists is back, and that he’s effectively pissing off Trump supporters. BUT, imagine my shock when I watched Mr. Mathers premiere that new rap on TV…. With a beard?

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Eminem WITH A BEARD?! Are you shitting me? Are we in an alternate universe? This is simply unacceptable. Eminem has been around since I was a little kid and has never had a beard until this moment.

I don’t like change.

Marshall, you can’t walk back into their lives with a new beard and expect us to just accept it. I didn’t even know Slim could grow a beard. He’s had a baby face his whole career so I assumed that he was still going through puberty (it explains the mood swings.)

I wanna have kids one day, and I don’t wanna raise my son in a country where Eminem has a beard. Not on my watch. Eminem’s new beard will rip open the space time continuum. As Abed from Community would say, this is the darkest timeline. Anyone who’s read the Bible probably remembers that Eminem growing a beard is the first sign of the apocalypse. Jesus Christ himself has warned us about this day.

A lot of the most annoying white dudes have beards (myself included). Em looks like an obnoxious LA hipster now. He went from “I’ll kill your whole family” to “do these pancakes have gluten?” He looks like he blogs about vegan recipes and sits in a coffeehouse all day writing an indie screenplay about a depressed lesbian visiting Europe. If we find out that Eminem brews his own beer now I’m gonna burn someones house down.

Eminem once made a 6 minute song where he described murdering his own wife in graphic detail. He’s made dozens of jokes about raping various female celebrities. He’s openly promoted drug use, glorified self harm and rapped about killing his own mother. But this time…. he crossed the line.

Em, please shave. You used to be my hero, but now you look like an Italian woman.

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