HE KNEW: Trump Knew That Drake Had Ghostwriters And Didn’t Tell The American Public

He’s fucked now.

In a recorded conversation with Meek Mill on January 25th, President Donald J. Trump admitted that he received intel that hip-hop artist Drake has ghostwriters, and that he was purposely withholding this information from the American people.

This is basically Watergate but worse. Reporters still can’t decide if we should call it Drakegate or Waterdrake. When confronted about these damning tapes, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnay simply threw her own feces at a journalist for The New York Times and ran out of the room. Despite this she’s still a 9.

Trump notably fired hip-hop aficionado Anthony Fauci in February when Fauci claimed that Drake DID have ghostwriters. Fauci recently did an interview saying “this is not okay” and our newfound knowledge that our favorite Canadian biracial angel has ghostwriters means we won’t be “back to normal life” until “at least late 2021.”

Trump told Meek that he “didn’t want to cause a panic.” In dozens of press conferences since March, Trump has called the Drizzy ghostwriting allegations “the newest Democratic hoax.” He even went as far to say that the “fake claims” were concocted by Hunter Biden and Drake’s abandoned son as a liberal conspiracy to give frat boys clinical depression.

He disclosed to Meek that he didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news. He knew that bursting our bubble and telling us that the biggest artist of the past decade didn’t write his own singles would cause even his most hardcore supporters to resent him, and decimate his polling numbers with 22 year old white girls and skinny dudes who randomly tweet “I miss her 😞” at 3am.

Trump also reportedly lied about Drake to avoid upsetting our allies in Canada, as Drake is their #1 export. Tucker Carlson defended Trump for lying to us, saying that “presidents are supposed to stop us from panicking” and that he’s still going to listen to Nothing Was The Same “every damn day.”

In the wake of this bombshell report, many prominent republicans have called on Trump to resign. This includes Mitt Romney, George Conway, John Kasich, and a homeless crackhead on Hollywood Boulevard who keeps screaming at me that he’s Abraham Lincoln.

In a presidency filled with countless scandals (defending white supremacists, Stormy Daniels, Russia, Ukraine, openly inciting violence, 20+ sexual assault allegations, an unprecedented amount of pathological lying, child concentration camps, tear-gassing peaceful protestors for a church photo-op, cruel attacks on veterans and an endless onslaught of blatant racism,) this will be the story that finally brings him down for good.

Ladies and gentlemen…

…We got him.

stand-up comic. writer. confident trainwreck.