I’ve Already Got A 🔥🔥🔥 Thinkpiece Written For When Woody Allen Dies
When the fuck is this old creep gonna die already?
I do stand-up, not well, but I do it. I have a bit in my act that goes like this:
“There’s that cliche in comedy, that classic situation of a dude having to hide his porn stash from his girlfriend. I never had that, but I did date a hardcore feminist, and I had to hide my Woody Allen stash.
And I consider myself a feminist, so the fact that I own every Woody Allen movie makes me a bad feminist, but it also makes me an AMAZING Jew.”
That joke is obviously exaggerated, but it paints an accurate picture of my complicated relationship with Woody Allen’s work. It’s a big thing for me. I’m a HUGE fan of Allen’s work, but that brings up some disturbing questions. To the point where I already wrote an article to publish when he dies, its titled ‘Woody Allen Is Dead: A Look At His Complicated Legacy’. It’s PHENOMENAL. It’s arguably the best thing I’ve ever written. It’s just sittin in my computer, waitin for it’s time to shine.
But unfortunately, this dude just won’t die. Ugh. Why can’t he have a severe drug problem like all my other comedic heroes?! This is some bullshit.
I mean guys, this thinkpiece is REALLY good. It deals with sensitive topics in a very mature and nuanced way. It’s witty and humorous, but never offensive. It mentions Allen’s undeniable influence on modern comedy, and if it’s possible to reckon his work with his dark personal life. Hell, I even find an excuse to quote Mark Twain in it. And at the end, it comes to a very wise and reasonable conclusion, articulated with grace. I’m psyched for you guys to read it. The only problem is, Woody seems to be fuckin immortal. How is this dude still kickin?
I just looked up his age on Wikipedia, he’s 81. EIGHTY ONE. And he seems pretty healthy. Fuck. This could take a while.
Sexual assault in Hollywood is a big topic lately, in light of the Harvey Weinstein scandal. There seems to be an atmosphere of progress and change, especially with the powerful #MeToo movement on social media. When you’re talking about alleged predators in Hollywood, you can’t go long without mentioning Woody Allen. In the 90’s, he left his longtime girlfriend Mia Farrow and married her adopted daughter Soon-Yi, a girl who was decades younger than him. And he’s been accused of sexually abusing his own adopted daughter.
Woody is one of my biggest heroes, but he’s clearly a shitty human being. At best, he’s a man who left his girlfriend for her uncomfortably young daughter. At worst, he’s a man who abused his own daughter. So does that mean it’s evil to watch Annie Hall? I answer that fascinating question in my unpublished thinkpiece, which I unfortunately can’t share with you just yet. God dammit.
It’s complicated. After Allen was accused of molestation, there was 14 month investigation where they came to the conclusion that Allen was innocent and he was never charged with a crime. Does that mean he’s definitely innocent? Of course not, but it does mean something. I believe in innocent until proven guilty. So if I reserve judgement about Allen’s guilt and chalk it up to “we’ll never know”, does that make me an asshole?
I deal with these delicate questions perfectly in ‘Woody Allen Is Dead: A Look At His Complicated Legacy.’ Every time I see a shooting star I wish for Woody Allen to have a heart attack so you guys can finally read this thing.
I keep checking my watch. I can’t believe this dude hasn’t bitten the dust yet. None of my grandparents lived this long. An accused predator gets to live longer than my grandfather? That doesn’t seem very fair. Sure, my grandpa didn’t direct Midnight In Paris, but he was a damn good man.
The #MeToo movement has been extremely triggering for me. I‘m a sexual assault victim myself. It’s not something I wanna go into great detail about, but it was a horrific experience that still makes me queasy. Does my traumatic experience influence my views on the Woody Allen allegations in any way? Unfortunately, you guys won’t know until someone finally stabs Woody in the neck with a screwdriver.
Woody Allen has influenced me more than damn near any other entertainer. From his perfect stand-up albums to his prolific filmography, his work means so much to me. So is it possible to separate the art from the artist? I can’t tell you yet, and I’m getting impatient. Can someone poison his morning coffee or something? Maybe shoot him with a sniper rifle in New York while he’s filming his 700th movie? Beat him to death with a shovel, literally anything.
Trust me, you guys need to see ‘Woody Allen Is Dead: A Look At His Complicated Legacy’ with your own eyes. It definitively answers every question and it’ll singlehandedly end all future debates about this topic. I’ll be shocked if I don’t win a Pulitzer for it.
Someone needs to drown this dude in a bathtub so I can publish this masterpiece and move on with my life. He’s old as fuck, and he seems very small and frail, he’s clearly easy to overpower. You’ll go to prison, but once you read my thinkpiece you’ll realize it was worth it.
I’m sorry if that sounds cruel. When I ask you guys to murder Woody Allen, I don’t want that to seem insensitive to his family. For fucks sake, the guy has a wife and a daughter (they’re the same person but still.)