Louis CK Can Only Make A Comeback If We’re All Allowed To Jerk Off On Him

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I’ve come up with a compromise.

Critically acclaimed comic/ deflated basketball Louis CK is plotting his comeback. After being exposed as a sexual predator, CK faced the harsh punishment of sitting at home with his millions of dollars for a few months.

The other night, CK did a set at The Comedy Cellar in New York. I guess he needed the exposure. (Pun not intended, grow up.)

I’d feel weird spending money to watch a compulsive masturbator tell jokes about compulsive masturbation. But despite his gross extracurriculars, CK still has an army of fans who are willing to watch him to do stand-up again as long he washes his hand before he grabs the microphone.

So what do we do?

CK wants to revive his career ASAP, but is it too soon? Some people think he did nothing wrong, others think he’s a monster who should never perform again. But luckily, I came up with a solution that everyone can get on board with.

Louie can return to his glamour and glory as a stand-up superstar, but only if we can all jerk off on him.

I feel like I’m in danger of being misunderstood, so let me be clear. I don’t mean jerk off in front of him, we must literally jerk off ON him.

If you think that’s too gross, you need to stop being so immature.

Maybe it sounds harsh, but it may very well be the only logical answer. Louis CK stans would bawl like Troy from Community if he never stepped on stage again, but it seems silly to let CK return to his career without any type of punishment, so let’s meet in the middle.

As a stand-up comic, I’m calling on all my comedian friends to help carry out this mission from Jesus. We must all come together as a team.

If you see Louis CK backstage at The Comedy Store, The Improv, or any other club, immediately whip your junk out and start Buffing your Vampire Slayer. Don’t stop until you “finish.”

If Louie gets upset he’s a hypocrite.

Plus, imagine having “jerked off on Louis CK” on your comedy resume! If that doesn’t get you 5 minutes on Conan nothing will.

Once every male stand-up comedian in America has done their business on Louie in the greenroom at The Comedy Store, he can finally return to his legendary career. There area lot of comics out there (too many), so it may take a couple years, we better start soon.

Louie, welcome back! We’re excited to hear your new hour of material. But first, it’s gonna be a rough few years.

professional narcissist

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