Are you bored? Impatient for WWIII? Do you wanna escalate the tensions between America and North Korea? Are you possibly a human but there’s also a very real chance that you’re just a deflated basketball with syphilitic insanity?
Well you’ve come to the right place. Causing a nuclear holocaust through a social media app seems overwhelming. But if you follow this simple step-by-step guide and embrace the power of positive thinking, you can do it ( :
Step 1: Download twitter
This one is obvious. Once you download the app, start practicing your tweeting skills. Spend years tweeting about how Obama is a Muslim from Kenya despite literally no evidence. Also, make sure you document your very strong opinions regarding Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s relationship.
Step 2: Be a psychotic reality TV star and get elected president.
I’m not gonna lie, this is the toughest part. You have no political experience other than watching Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and that one time you tried to bang Condoleezza Rice. Plus you’ll make Hitler-ish claims about banning a religion. You’ll talk about wanting to fuck your own daughter in a bizarre ploy to win the votes of Woody Allen fans. You’ll constantly talk about “The Wall” even though it’s Pink Floyd’s most overrated album.
Step 3: Surround yourself with spineless enablers who can’t control you.
Don’t get me wrong, they’ll try to control you. They’ll sing you lullabies while they rub your tummy. They’ll try to distract you with shiny objects. Unfortunately, they’re just not able to snatch that iPhone from your tiny orange hands. Bring your phone into the bathroom and go on furious tweet rants during your morning dump. You’re the only 70 year old man that knows how to use twitter; embrace it.
Step 4: Call out that little fuckboy Kim Jong-un.
Start poppin with the twitter fingers and fire shots at the king of bowl-cuts himself. You 2 are both delusional, sociopathic narcissists with nuclear weapons, this is getting exciting. Pretend you 2 are starring in a porn video called “Old White Guy And Short Asian Dude Fuck Billions Of People.”
Step 5: Tweet a dick pic with caption “kim is a little bitch tho 😂😂😂”
Shit just got real.
Step 6: Bomb after bomb after bomb.
This is it. The part we’ve been waiting for. Bring back the draft, start a war and chill in a bomb-proof shelter until things quiet down. Bring some board games to pass the time. But don’t bring Monopoly because Pence always cheats, he volunteers to be the banker then he slips himself a few blue dollars when nobody’s looking. Sad.
Step 7: End society in a nuclear holocaust.
Have a beer, you earned it. Sift through the rubble in what’s now a Mad Max apocalyptic wasteland. Walk up to one of the last survivors, lying on the ground during his last moments. As he draws his last breath and painfully drifts into the infinite abyss, you can faintly hear him whisper “…Hillary’s emails, though.”