Trump vs Kanye: A Very Serious, Very Accurate Look At The 2020 Election
It still feels surreal. Donald J. Trump is the 45th president of the United States. By the way, why the hell did the ballot say “Donald J. Trump” instead of just Donald Trump? Is there a more famous Donald Trump he didn’t wanna get confused with? Is it like the Michael B. Jordan situation?
Pretty crazy. Donald has 15 sexual assault accusers. That’s a quarter of Cosby. We have a Quarter Cosby™ as president now. Donny even got elected while he had an impending child rape lawsuit. How the fuck do you get elected with a child rape lawsuit? I once got dropped from the school talent show due to low grades.
And on top of that, Trumps tax returns are like the women chained up in Ted Cruz’s basement. They’re never getting released.
But objectively, his electoral win was fascinating for 2 reasons.
Reason #1: Trump had no prior political experience.
Reason #2: Therefore, this means that Americans are apparently cool with electing a president with no prior political experience? Because fuck logic, right?
You know who else has no political experience? Kanye O. West (I wanna keep this pointless middle initial shit goin on.) You know who claimed he’d run for president IN 2020 while accepting a VMA award? Yup, Kanye West.
A lot of Trump supporters hate Kanye’s guts with the fiery passion of 47trillion suns (“a black man with confidence?! Sickening!”) But we need to admit that Trump and Kanye actually have a lot in common.
Let’s look at their similarities.
- Both of them have been called egotistical and arrogant.
- Both of them are loud, outspoken and polarizing.
- Both of them are married to women that have posed nude.
- Both of them have mental breakdowns on twitter.
- Both of them cried at Toy Story 3 (I assume, because everyone did)
And if you don’t think Ye has a chance, think about the day that Trump announced his candidacy. We all laughed, thinking he had no chance. But now that pumpkin with dementia is the leader of the free world. So in 2020, Mr. West may very well become Kanmander in Chief and Westident of the United States. (It took me 7 hours to come up with those puns, please clap.)
Let’s face it. Yeezus Christ and Quarter Cosby™ WILL battle head to head to become POTUS in 2020. It’s Bound 2 happen. You know it. I know it. The government knows it. So let’s look at how that’ll turn out.
Here’s how the debates will look.
Kanye will tell Trump that he should have never fired Clay Aiken on Celebrity Apprentice in 2005 (he has a valid point.) The moderator commits suicide 37 minutes into the debate. Trump leaves early to attend a party he’s throwing to congratulate Mike Pence on coming out of the closet.
Trump will demand that Kanye show his birth certificate to prove that he’s not a Muslim who was born in Zubrowka. No one has the heart to tell Trump that Zubrowka is a fictional country from the film Grand Budapest Hotel.
A tape just leaked where Kanye bragged about grabbing women “by the microphone.” A woman, known only as “T.S.”, comes forward to claim that Kanye once grabbed her mic onstage at the 2009 VMA’s. When asked about the allegations, Kanye denies the charges and claims that Bill Clinton has done way worse.
Who will appear at their conventions.
Kanye’s DNC Speakers:
A white dude that still uses the word “swag”, all the Kardashians (except for Khloe Kardashian, who will get arrested in 2019 after shooting 22 people in an Applebee’s)
Trump’s RNC Speakers:
The child that Chris Christie ate, my uncle, your uncle, a dead body wearing a ‘Suns Out Guns Out’ tank top.
WHO WILL WIN THE ELECTION: